Pranks For Housemates…

#wasted #prank — I’m just really tired…and kind of sticky…

Pranks for your roomies

Once you’ve found the right roomies, you’ll probably want to prank them at some stage, as long as it’s good, clean (well, maybe not so clean) fun.

Stupid pranks go with the territory – just don’t hurt anyone.

I just wish I’d seen the mobile phone cookie prank before I got a fine for talking on my phone while driving…check it out on my twitter feed via BestPranks@Derpey. The cops rock up to fine you, and chomp, take a bite of your phone and ask them if cookies are illegal. Hehe.

Always in style pranks

Yep, these pranks are the oldies-but-goodies that never go out of fashion. How can you go wrong with a few simple tools that make such a big impact?

#leavingthenest — Toilet paper? Or a prankster’s kit essential?

After everyone’s gone to bed for the night you sneak out to do the old plastic wrap under the toilet seat. Your roommate heads to the bathroom in the night and #eeew!
Need a break from each other? Maybe you feel your flatmate needs some time out? Simple! All it takes is a roll of duct tape across their door and you can breathe in that sweet serenity. Well, until they get themselves out anyway…
Unscrew your shower-head and put a food powder like beef or chicken stock, or an instant drink mix like Tang or Nesquik inside. Mmmm, tasty shower. Best served up with a stonking hangover.
T-P someone’s room (a.k.a. wrap everything in toilet paper). You can do this to whole houses too, but it’s not very good for the environment. But I suppose little old you isn’t doing that much environmental vandalism. You recycle, right? Ok, so grab an extra pack of toilet paper in your shop and head to your target’s house late in the dark night (this is definitely more fun to do together with friends). Be creative, throw a few rolls over the roof and trees, wrap the mailbox and shrubs and fences, even leave a cute driveway message in flour. If you’re just doing their room, carefully wrap each item then replace.
Another handy room trick is to fill a bedroom with scrunched-up newspaper. Who said newspapers are redundant these days? So cheap, plus so infuriating for your flatmate to have an avalanche of ‘prepared earlier’ paper tumble out. Then they can catch up on the daily news while they clean up! Thanks guys…
A pack of balloons also doesn’t cost much, although they’ll be hard to blow up if you’re smokers. Yet another reason to quit (see smoking stuff and party drugs for useful links to help). But if you have the lungs, fill that room with colour! And plenty of annoying balls of rubber, before your buddy gets home.

This sounds like a hard one to pull off, but with some good superglue you could probably do it. Rumour has it that it’s happened, but if you’ve pulled it off, I’d love to see a pic! Glue your housemate’s furniture to the ceiling — hopefully they don’t have much (this could theoretically be nasty if it wrecks their stuff though).

Trick questions

Can you keep a straight face? If so, you can pull these pranks off.

Innocently ask your flatmate how their balance is. Let them see you trying to balance a beer on the back of your hand. Ask them, “can you balance these beers on the back of your hands?” Put them on. Walk away.
Is your flatmate keen for some extra cash? Tell them you’re a bit bored, but you’ll give them some cash if you can spice things up a bit by cracking a couple of eggs on their head. Crack one then leave. No cash required. Smirk.

Cold shoulder pranks

These pranks require a little forward planning. That is, you have to put stuff in water and hide it in your freezer.

#1 Freeze stuff that’s important to them. Like car keys. Credit card. Entire cutlery drawer in a ziplock bag of water.

#2 Who doesn’t love the plastic bug in an icecube gag? It’s best to make use of their fave phobia (spider, cockroach, fly etc), and grab some fakes from a toy, joke or discount store. Just place the bugs into an icecube tray, cover with water and freeze, then voila! Make your buddy a refreshing beer, cocktail, cordial or whatever after their long day’s work or study and wait for the drama to unfold.

Refrigerator pranks

It always comes back to food…

Remove their food from the packaging, replace it with something else, then retape it or glue it up. It’s best to use something that they love or are looking forward to eating, like chocolate (preferably that you also love, since it’ll need to be disposed of. Wink, wink). Swap it for something that feels the same. Wait.
So you have a veggie housemate who doesn’t eat food with a face? Give everything a face! Go crazy with the fridge and cupboard. Draw faces on with permanent marker or, better still, grab some stick on craft googly eyes from a fabric or discount store and dress up those innocent pickles, carrots, tofu packs and sauces. Gasp at them in shock as they grab an apple…with a face.

Noisy, annoying shit

Yeah, they’ve probably pissed you off with their music, or shagging or random late night stoner convos at some point. Get them back!

Hide an alarm clock in your roomie’s bedside, under their bed, or wherever, and set it to some freaky hour. Better still, hide a few, and stagger the times.
Use a phone call app like phone gangster to call your housemates at an unhealthy hour, then enjoy the chaos until they work out what the hell is going on.

Best happy-snaps

Yep, we all love sharing those pics. Instagram, facebook, twitter, pinterest…you want plenty of fresh material for your posts. These should help!

Ah, good old shaving cream! So many uses, except for shaving, that is (come on, who actually bothers?). Use it to decorate your buddy when they’re a little, ahem, under the weather, and don’t forget to take a cute snap or ten for social media. Plus ask them if you can share, then add it to our comments or twitter feed or fb.
This kind of trick also works well with a mask made out of kiddie slime (grab a tub cheap from toy shops, and simply pull it out flat like a slimy pancake, and shape a couple of holes for eyes, then gently ease it over your flatmate’s face. Kind of like a cheap spa facial with that added hint of instant scary. See pic at start.).
Or maybe decorate their car for them with plenty of shaving cream when they’re out. Look at it as a bit of fun, PLUS helping them out if it’s dirty. Sooo considerate.
Is your housemate considering a moustache? Or maybe they just can’t grow a thick bushy or fancy-shaped one, no matter how they try? Perhaps they’re female but you think they’d look kinda cute with a mo? Wait until they’re passed out from exhaustion or whatevs one night then help them out by drawing on a ‘stache in permanent marker so they can try before they buy. Don’t do it before a wedding or special occasion though. That’s a bit too mean.

No boring cars allowed! Is your flatmate’s car too plain? Add some bumper stickers. Show them a brave new world.

Conservative type? Pop a ‘one nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day’, ‘vote green, democrats, labor or whatever’, or maybe even ‘chase rainbows’ or something else kinda sweet.
More of an alternative hipster? Plaster on some ‘I love shooting, hunting, fishing’ stickers, or maybe something more retro for your feminist flattie. Like a quote from Real Housewife of New Jersey’s book: ‘A woman needs to keep herself in shape. She has to be seductive…And most important she has to be available for sex.’ Or maybe, ‘I’m the woman, and I do the female things, including housework.’ Thanks, Melissa Gorga!

Halloween at home

There’s nothing funnier than a pretend person looming out of the dark…

Make a stuffed dummy out of pillows, sheets and your roommate’s clothes, then pop it somewhere they can’t avoid it, like the hallway or even sitting on the toilet.
Even better? Sometimes 2nd-hand stores sell cheap clothing mannequins. There are just so many prank uses for these. Dress it up and freak out your flatmates. Tie a rope to it and slide it over the balcony as drunk party peeps wander past your place. Dress it in a balaclava and pop it into your housemate’s bed while they’re asleep. If you can’t wait for the reaction, grab a broom handle and poke them from afar to wake them. Record it for posterity.

Please share your pranks! Add to the comments, or like us on social media & post. Sign up on the homepage to join LtN & stay up to date with new articles.

Cheap or Free Stuff

#whatarethepoorpeopledoing? #cheaptrip #holidays — My cheap beach holiday secret…

Why pay if you don’t have to?

… Ok, so most blokes will probably skip the clothes-swap parties but who knew you could get so much for na-da (or next to)?

Plus, by swapping or getting free stuff, you’re often helping the environment by using less. Go you!

Cheap holidays

Plenty of sites can help you out with cheap or free accommodation, and/or advice for travellers.

Our upcoming post on this has more useful links.

Don’t forget to sign up on the homepage or like LtN on social media.

Search for free accommodation and advice at www.couchsurfing.org, or rent people’s private properties or rooms for a fee, through sites like stayz or Airbnb, which lets you rent someone’s space (just specify if you want the whole place or just a room, or whatever, and it’ll show you what’s available and for how much).

Get the low-down on local experiences from those in the know, for example at sites like www.locongo.com

If you’re after hotel accommodation, I usually check out a couple of sites like booking.com, wotif.com, tripadvisor and hotelscombined and compare a few deals.

Plus if you use your brains you can usually work out what the secret hotels are too (match the facilities of others with the same star rating) — you can stay at your fave hotels for heaps less…shhhh!

If you’re planning to travel somewhere, you can hook up with someone who wants something delivered in return for a reward.

Sites like www.mmmule.com, for example, hook up travellers with people who want something delivered, in return for a negotiated reward that suits both of you, maybe a bottle of vino or a night’s accommodation or even just some local advice.

Free threads

Organise a clothes-swap party

This is where you and your friends bring along pieces to swap with each other. Just make sure it’s clean and good enough quality for someone else to want it (no trackies!), then work how to sort disputes (like coin-flipping). Ah, shopping for free, who knew?

Or you could join a swap site

Check out sites like www.swapstyle.com or you could try an organised event — see www.clothingexchange.com.au for details in Sydney, Melbourne or Canberra, or try web-searching your town or city if you live elsewhere. We’ll keep you posted on useful links if you like us on social media or sign up on the LtN home page.

Or cheap(er) ones…

Second-hand is cheap and even A-list actors love vintage one-off pieces.
Chain-stores are good for swimsuits, undies, sleepwear, shoes, sunnies etc. that are better new – get them when they’re on sale.
Overseas end-of-season sales can net big savings on expensive items, but factor in postage. Use a mail forwarding service to shop overseas-only sites (they post stuff on for a fee plus postage).
Label-lover? Hire things like handbags instead of buying: It’s a fraction of the price, though it’s still a lot. Take good care of items, though, or you could pay if they’re stolen or damaged (read the site’s terms and conditions carefully). Sites either charge rental per item, or an ongoing monthly rental for a set number of items per month plus postage. If you’re interested you could check out www.lovemeandleaveme.com; www.strawberryhandbags.com.au or www.caniborrowthat.com.au

Low-cost books

Ebooks, of course, but if you want the flesh-and-blood pages-and-print versions, Aussies can rent textbooks, with free return postage, at www.zookal.com.au

Prefer to buy your books?

Of course, second-hand books are often cheaper. Look for textbooks advertised on noticeboards at your place of study, search online or trawl a used bookstore. New books are usually cheaper online – especially sets – and the print versions often have free delivery. I personally like the book depository, booktopia and Abe books, plus Amazon, ebay etc. but which site is best for you will depend whether you’re trawling or you know what you’re after, plus where you live.

Discount surfboards: Who knew? Check out www.quiverizer.com.au

Transport

If you don’t have a car, you can buy a space in a car pool or maybe even rent someone’s private car by the hour or day. You can also rent your own car out for a fee.

If you’re interested, check out car-share sites – or watch out for our upcoming post with links. Don’t forget to sign up on the homepage or like LtN on social media so you’ll stay up-to-date.

Need storage, office or parking space? Why not rent driveway space? Watch out for our upcoming post with links!

Warning! Use your head when you’re looking for bargains, or trying to make a buck — protect yourself and also your possessions.

Make sure you always put your safety first, for example, meet up with new people in public spaces or take someone along with you.

Also protect your possessions if you plan to rent them out, for example, make sure your car or valuable goods are insured for their replacement value, and/or ask for some kind of bond. There’s a scammer in every crowd, though happily, I reckon most of us are on the same wavelength.

Protect yourself from scams:

DON’T use money transfers (e.g. Western Union) as they can’t be traced and so are often used for scams.
Does it look too good to be true (too cheap, five-star, slick pics)? It probably is – be suspicious and check it out carefully.
Is the seller based overseas? A lot of scams are based in other countries.
Don’t be pushed into anything you’re not comfortable with. Be assertive. Ask questions. Otherwise say no.
Be choosy with online sites. Look for ones which have secure connections, clear safety advice for users, and policies to prosecute scammers.
Don’t sign anything you don’t fully understand.

Keeping A Pet

Want to get a pet?

Awww…that cute little puppy in the pet shop will be perfect in your new home, right? You can snuggle up together and get them their own little collar and bowl and a soft cosy bed…

Whoa! Don’t EVER buy a pet on impulse. Lots of animals get dumped back on parents or at the pound, where they can get lethal injections, sometimes in less a week. Is that fair?

A pet is really hard work, plus messy and not-to-mention super-expensive. Pets need full-time care and are a nightmare for renters. Do you really want to take that on? My advice? Avoid pet shops, avoid the pound and avoid animal classifieds until you’re stable, loaded with cash and sure you’re good and ready to forgo travel, nights out and extra time spent on looking after a pet (plus any damage they cause).

Don’t get a pet unless you’re ready for years of routine, a serious damper on travel plans and heaps of effort.

From my first stray kitten at school – [Phone call: “Mum, I’ve found the cutest little kitten…” “You are not to bring that cat home!” “Ok.” Hang up. “Yep, she says it’s fine to take him.”] – to my current 4 rescue dogs and cat, I’ve always found pets needing homes.

Each individual animal takes hard work AND is expensive, especially if unexpected things happen – like when Scruffy got mauled by a big dog (cost $800) and Mrrrow got run over ($1500…yep, $1500 – try paying that off with a student loan).

#kittycat #leavingthenest #catlover — Human, you said I’d have a diamond collar..

Yep, they have puppy-dog eyes (literally), give unconditional love, and are unbelievably cute. But if you buy on impulse and/or don’t desex your pet, you’ll just add to the thousands of animals that are euthanased each year. Is anyone able to rehome 67 000 puppies this year?

Rules, rules and more rules…

All pets need fresh water, appropriate food, shelter and veterinary care (you’ll need to research the type and breed of pet for specifics) but there are other rules that you have to follow, depending on where you live.

In Australia, for example, dogs and cats need to be micro-chipped and registered with your local council, and you’ll need to update your details anytime you move or change your phone number; dogs also have to be safely contained or secured on the back of vehicles (with a collar and chain or rope, or a restraint – be careful, if it’s too long it can choke your dog if it slips) and a bunch of other rules apply, which can differ from council to council.

The best thing to do is ask your vet or local council pound what other rules apply to you, like if you need to put an identifying collar on your pet or other rules that might apply, for example to restraining or enclosing them.

My vet friend says don’t ever use choker or check chains with dogs as they often cause permanent, serious damage. And tail-docking? Don’t do it, it’s usually illegal anyway, and it’s cruel.

Vet care

Vaccinations and check-ups are expensive but essential. Plus, you’ll DEFINITELY run into unexpected costs more than once.

Vet visits can cost several pay cheques. And the costs run up with accidents and illness. You could get pet insurance but that also costs money.

Basically, pets suck up cash – say goodbye to beers or that new pair of heels.

Pet insurance: If you’re checking pet insurance out, make sure the plan lets you use your local vet. Also ask insurers what percentage of costs they will pay, how much excess you pay per claim and the maximum amount you can get from them per year. Search “pet insurance” and get quotes from a few companies before you decide.

What pet?

Different places also have different rules about what type of pet you can have.

In Australia, for example, rabbits are illegal in Queensland but ok in NSW – ask your local council or vet for info on your area.

#bunny #cutepets #rabbithouse — I knew Queenslanders were stupid..

Lots of snakes and reptiles are protected or banned, so if you want an exotic pet, you’d better do your research or you could get a fine (or, worse, create a massive problem for the environment and native animals).

It’s also usually illegal to keep native birds without a licence (or a Wires qualification in Australia), so if you find a sick or injured bird it’s best to call your local wildlife rescue organisation or vet for advice.

Biting the hand that feeds…It’s super-stupid to get a venomous snake unless you’re a licensed expert. Some can kill you in under an hour with a stray bite, and what if there’s no anti-venom about? Don’t get a pet on the black market – these rules were actually made for a good reason.

Still considering a dog or cat?

If you don’t want them to get sick and die, they need lots of de-worming – at 2,4,6,8, and 12 weeks of age, then monthly until they’re 6 months old, then every three months! Also, three vaccinations in their first year, then more shots and a check-up every year (that’s for life).
De-sexing is done in the first few months before they are old enough to breed (and it’s a myth that de-sexing makes animals fat or changes their personality, it just stops them running away to breed, fighting, etc – isn’t there enough live trash at council pounds without you adding to it?).
Dogs and cats need regular flea treatments or they can infest your house – yuck – plus flea allergy dermatitis is common and very painful and stressful for your pet, causing scratching, biting and pulling their fur out. This means bathing, oral meds or a spot-on or other topical treatment. Hard work and/or expensive.
They’ll need toilet-training and/or clean litter (eeew to this job). Plus you’ll need to pick up and dispose of poo from your yard or while out walking, and will need to do this as long as you have your pet!
Pets need a comfortable place to rest; fresh water each day; the right amount and type of food in a clean bowl and toys for playtime.
Young animals need more protein and fat than older ones. You can buy specialised baby animal food and milk from the supermarket, vet or pet shop.

Commercial pet food: Generally you get what you pay for, ie expensive ones are better, but check the ingredients (like percentages of protein and fat), some cheaper brands measure up to pricier ones.

What about fish?

Fish are quite low-maintenance, but people manage to kill them. They need enough space (not a mini bowl), a non-toxic environment and the right amount of food. Aquatic plants help oxygenate the water plus fish can eat them and/or you can get a filter. Don’t over-feed them, keep their water cool and clean (unless you have tropical fish, eg. bettas, which need warmer water), plus use a water-aging product when adding water.

Birds?

Birds need fresh water, fresh foods and some seeds (only part of their diet) – plus cuttlefish or shell grit for some. Their environment should be clean, not too hot or cold, with different-sized perches and toys or plants. They need a house or covered part, and some cage-free time if you don’t have a big aviary.

Reptiles?

Snakes, lizards and turtles: if you’ve got a licence for one you’ll need to provide fresh water and a suitable enclosure, with regular temperature and pH checks, waste removed, and other things, like specific lighting. Reptiles have other specific needs too – snakes need humidity to shed skin, for example, and turtles need a good filter, heater, direct UV light plus somewhere to get out of the water (and they don’t like handling).

It’s a myth that snakes need live food – it’s better for them to have pre-frozen foods, as live foods can cause choking or problems with digestion.

Rodents?

Rabbits, guinea pigs, rats and mice need a safe, clean enclosure, fresh water, dried and fresh food and things to chew (like cardboard, wood and toys). They’re easily heat-stressed and need shade and cold water on hot days (plus cover and insulation for cold).They eat mainly grass and grass hay (rabbits and guinea pigs), pellets, fresh vegies, fruit only as a treat (it makes them fat) plus table scraps for rats and mice.

Guinea pigs also need daily vitamin C from foods like kiwi fruit, citrus, broccoli, apple, pear and dandelion leaves.

Don’t use stuff on animals without checking – for example, tea tree oil is toxic to cats and dogs, and some dog flea treatments can kill rabbits.

Foods to avoid: if in doubt, leave it out!

Pets often go crazy for leftovers, but cooked bones can splinter internally and cause a slow, painful death, even for big dogs. Not worth the risk.
Chocolate, honey and grapes are toxic to dogs (and weirdly enough, they often love them), and so are onion and garlic in large amounts (so giving Fido leftover pizza isn’t a great idea).
Cats also shouldn’t have chocolate or grapes.
Iceberg lettuce can actually cause fatal diarrhoea in rabbits, guinea pigs and other rodents (who knew?); celery strings can choke them, and potatoes, rhubarb and avocados are toxic to them.

More Cleaning Tips (For Bathroom, Kitchen, Maggots Etc.)

#leavingthenest #cleaninghouse — Pic: Africa Studio (via Shutterstock)

Sick of cleaning before you start?

I hear you loud and clear! Who likes cleaning? Not me, anyway. Save time, effort and money with these tips.

Also check out heaps more useful info showing what you need to do, plus to save you money and time, in simple steps to clean your house, plus print these handy cleaning checklists and cleaning roster to easily work out who does what, when.

Bathroom cleaning tips

Cut down your shower scrubbing by keeping a spray bottle of vinegar in the shower. Just ask people to spray it around a bit when they’ve finished showering, especially on grimy bits. It’ll keep the dirt in check like a store-bought shower spray so it’s easier to scrub anything off at the end of the week (or whenever you get to it…).

If you have to clean the shower on your own, do it while you’re in there (or you could do it with someone…you’ll save water).

Toilets: use leftover cola as a toilet cleaner (no joke, that’s why it’s GREAT for teeth. Haha.); leave it overnight then scrub it with vinegar, bicarb and/or eucalyptus to finish it off so it’s sparkling…well, clean, anyway.

Wash your shower curtain in a cup of vinegar plus a cup of bleach (but only if bleach is ok to use in your washing machine – check the instructions first, look it up online or even phone the manufacturer — better than destroying your machine), along with some white towels and a normal amount of washing powder or laundry liquid. Hang the shower curtain back up after washing and it’ll straighten out in a few days and be as good as new.

Put a bin in the bathroom – better than people leaving gross stuff like pads or condoms lying around or clogging up the toilet.

#cleanhouse #leavingthenest — Pic: Christian Delbert (via Shutterstock)

Kitchen cleaning tips

Yep, again, try to wash up as you go, or at least chuck things in to soak as you finish with them. It’s so much easier to do than letting it all pile up until it’s stuck on, or even worse, a hotbed of maggots (and it happens so fast in Summer, especially with meat or dairy).

Try these handy hints to make cleaning a breeze!

Leave an open empty bottle of vanilla essence in the fridge, or wipe the fridge out with a few drops of vanilla to remove smells

Soak tricky pots overnight in salt and/or detergent and water.
Clean the microwave: boil a cup of water until steaming then wipe over (add lemon juice to the water if you like).
Spray the inside of your oven with vinegar then throw on bicarb and wait for the bubbling to stop. Wipe it off. This works on pretty much anything festy – pots, bathrooms, stinky sinks (just pour a kettle full of boiling water down afterwards), bongs (hey, that got your attention!).
Put a clean tea towel in the fridge crisper to stop slimy water (and change and wash it sometimes).

Don’t use metal on non-stick unless it is specified as ok – you’ll ruin the coating and make it hard to clean and cook with.

Buy scrubbing cloths and scourers that don’t scratch non-stick.

Other useful tips

Use cloves in wardrobes and drawers to deter moths and silverfish.

Maggot prevention?

To stop maggots in your garbage, stop flies getting in.

Use a bin with a tight-fitting lid and, if necessary, give it a spray with vinegar, and/or a hot water rinse, then sprinkle with eucalyptus oil if you can be bothered (it does make it smell much better) – the rumour is that mothballs deter the little buggers, so you could also try putting a few in the base of the bin.

Maggot cure!

If the maggots are in your bin already, rinse them out with a kettle full of boiling water (I know, not nice, but neither are maggots in your bin).

If they’re wriggling around somewhere you can’t do this, like on carpet or something, you can use a beer trap – just put a dish full of beer next to them and they’ll climb in and drown happy. (This tip also works for slugs and snails in the garden. Seems everything likes a beer on a hot day.)

Got cat litter?

Frankly, it’s pretty foul in the bathroom, and disgusting in the kitchen, as it doesn’t take long to smell baaad.

If you have a cat and it uses litter, make sure you clean it each day or your housemates will soon tire of it (at least remove the solids and any obvious wee patches) plus keep it outside-ish or in the laundry or somewhere away from food and personal grooming.

Easy, cheap meals

Fast, simple, cheap meals

Here’s a bunch of ideas for cheap meals with everything from how to cook the basics (rice, pasta, pizza, white sauce etc) to cheap veggie and meat-based meals and more. Have fun in the kitchen using this info and you’ll be a pro before you know it.

C=cup, Tsp=tablespoon, tsp=teaspoon, season =salt and pepper. NOTE: A US tsp is nearly 1½ times as big as in UK/Aust, so US readers have to adjust tspns down a bit.

Need food in a flash?

Anything on toast makes failsafe, fairly healthy cheap meals on the hop.

Try: scrambled eggs, avocado, stir-fried mushrooms with a bit of garlic and lemon juice, baked beans, peanut butter, grilled cheese and tomato or, if you like them, sardines and a squeeze of lemon juice. Voila!

More quick options for cheap meals are a bowl of 2 minute noodles, leftover rice or a quick, easy salad (greens, tomato, cucumber, onion or whatever fresh stuff you have) topped with cheese, canned fish, leftover meat or whatever you have plus a drizzle of chilli or other sauce, mayo or vinegar.

Food Safety

Wash your hands in hot, soapy water (especially after handling raw meats) or risk some seriously funky food (not in a good way) and a possible trip to the ER.
Use different utensils and boards for raw versus cooked food, and scrub them well in between – again, hot and soapy.
Put leftovers in the fridge right away (it’s actually good not to cool them down too much first) then reheat until hot right through. Most cooked food only keeps a few days.

Warning: Don’t store stuff in opened cans – it can poison you. Once a can’s open, put any leftovers into a Tupperware.

Rice

On a stove:

Wash rice and mix with water as per packet directions in a saucepan (best if heavy-based); bring to boil then cover with a tight-fitting lid (and foil if the lid’s loose). Turn heat RIGHT down and cook (lid on) for recommended time. Take off heat and leave, covered, for 10–15 minutes.

In a microwave:

Add boiling water to washed rice in microwave cooker with steam vents, (or in a microwave-safe bowl partly covered with plastic wrap to let steam out). Cover. Cook on high as recommended, stirring halfway. Sit covered for 5–10 minutes.

Cold cooked rice? Heaps of cheap meals:

Fried rice: Beat 2 eggs with 2 Tsp water then fry in hot, non-stick pan until firm, turning once; slice thinly. Cook 2 chopped rashers bacon. Add 2 sliced spring onions, C cold cooked rice and C cooked, chopped chicken drizzled with soy sauce, ¼C frozen peas and the omelette strips and toss until hot.

Nut loaf (like a meat loaf): Heat oven to 180˚C (350˚F); fry curry powder, a chopped onion and ½C chopped celery in a splash of oil until softened; mix in a bowl with C cooked rice, 2 eggs, C chopped nuts (lightly toasted in oven or frypan if you can be bothered), C grated cheese and another splash of oil, then bake in a well-greased tin for about 40 minutes. Cool a bit then tip out, slice and serve with homemade tomato or other sauce.

Cheat’s rice pudding: for an easy sweet treat simmer C cooked rice, C milk and Tsp sugar, stirring continuously until thick and creamy (optional: add ½ tsp cinnamon and/or a little grated citrus peel).

Pasta

Add pasta to already boiling water (if it’s not already boiling it’ll stick together), and cook according to packet directions (usually about 8-11 minutes), stirring a few times to break up. Drain.

Need ideas for pasta sauces? You could just squirt store-bought tomato sauce on and grate some cheese on top. But if you have a bit more time, try these:

Homemade tomato sauce: fry chopped onions until softish (not brown) then add cheap or canned tomatoes, herbs and/or veggies and simmer until thickened (about ½ hr.). Mush it up a bit more, season, then stir through pasta and top with grated cheese.
Bolognese: Chop and fry some bacon, garlic and/or onion until onion is soft. Add mince (enough to feed your group) and fry, stirring to break up until browned. Add canned tomatoes and/or tomato soup, plus some tomato paste if you have it and about a C or so of water and herbs if you like. Season and simmer for ½ hr. or so till thickened, stirring occasionally. You can add grated or chopped veggies to make it more healthy or bulk it up, just add before the tomatoes.
Mac’n’cheese: Mix C cooked pasta with ½C white sauce (see recipe, below) and ⅓C grated cheese.
Carbonara: beat 2 eggs and mix with ¼C grated cheese and around 4 chopped, fried rashers bacon or some chopped ham. Cook and drain a pack of spaghetti, remove from the heat into a bowl (otherwise it will turn into scrambled eggs) and toss with the egg mixture for a minute or so. Season.
Gourmet veggie: fry some chopped chilli in hot olive oil (med heat) until sizzling then add chopped garlic and sizzle a bit more (don’t let it brown). Take off heat, stir in cooked, drained pasta and chopped, cooked broccoli (throw it in with the boiling pasta for a couple of mins) or heaps of rocket. Season well and top with grated cheese.

White sauce

Good for mac & cheese, lasagne or to make a cheese sauce for stuff, for example.

Bring 1C milk to boil, reduce heat to low. Blend 2 Tsp flour with ¼C cold milk (cold is important to not get lumps, but sometimes it still goes lumpy for me, when you can squeeze it through a strainer or just deal). Add the blended mix to hot milk and mix thoroughly. Cook until thickened, stirring constantly.

Pizza dough

NOTE: When made, cover and leave in warm place for half hr until it rises about double. If it’s cold in your place you can do this by putting the over on really low and putting the bowl in with the door left open.

Then roll the dough out on a clean surface sprinkled with plain flour to fit the size or shape of your tray (about 30cm circle or sqaure or whatever), cover with toppings and cook. See below for ideas.

Option 1: Rub a Tsp butter or margarine into 2C self-raising flour plus a pinch of salt to make crumbs. Mix in ½C milk and ¼C mayonnaise with a knife until you get a soft dough. Option 2: dissolve an instant yeast sachet and a tsp sugar in a small C (150mL) of warm water. Add ½C plain flour, a pinch of salt and beat it, then add ½C more flour and mix it until smooth.

Pizza

Buy a base or make your own.

Put it on a greased oven tray then top and bake for about 30 minutes on 200˚C (400˚F). Just check it until it’s as browned as you like.

You can stick anything on a pizza and cover it with cheese and it’ll taste good, frankly. For example, try tomato paste or sauce then sautéed (stir-fried in a splash of oil, don’t let the onion go brown) chopped onion, garlic, capsicum (peppers) and mushrooms and a sprinkle of herbs, and/or ham, olives, pineapple pieces or pepperoni. Leftover cut up meat or chicken is also good, so is baby spinach, zucchini, feta, etc. Pretty much whatever you have in the house.

Cous cous (cheap and super-speedy)

Sweet or savoury, hot or cold – just boil water, stock or even orange juice with a splash of oil, take off heat, pour in cous cous and stir.
Cover and leave three mins, then stir over super low heat for 2-3 minutes with a fork.
Eat with butter or add chopped, cooked veggies like pumpkin and beans; dried fruits like dates or apricots; meat or even chopped salad, herbs, nuts and/or chilli. Too easy.

Veggies

Steam or boil: a few minutes or microwave a minute or two on high then test with a knife until it’s cooked how you like it – you’ll soon work it out.

Stir-fry: Heat a little oil in a hot pan, chuck in some chopped garlic (don’t let it go brown) then chopped vegies, turning constantly until cooked. Add sauce and stir through.

Bake: Layer just-cooked cauliflower or potatoes in an oven dish, with white sauce (recipe above) and grated cheese (about 1C sauce to ½C cheese). Top with more cheese and cook on 180˚C (350˚F) ½hr or until golden brown.

Bbq or chargrill strips of veggies then eat on a sandwich or with meat or salad.

More easy veggie meals

Steam a cup or so of any veggies and whack them on two-minute noodles or rice with a drizzle of soy sauce/honey, chilli sauce etc.
Or put some on salad and top with grated or marinated cheese or nuts (try lightly toasting them in a pan).
Spanish omelette: fry C or so of chopped veggies in a non-stick pan until soft, add curry powder, herbs or seasoning. Pour over a few beaten eggs and cook until set (med heat). Sprinkle with cheese, grill until golden, serve with sauce and/or toast.

Veggie soups

Minestrone or vegie: fry chopped onion, carrot, celery, garlic and a bit of bacon (optional) in a splash of oil a few minutes. Add 4C stock, simmer 20 minutes then add a C or so of chopped vegies (e.g. potato, sweet potato, pumpkin, cauliflower, peas, silver beet or zucchini), 2 Tsp tomato paste (or some fresh or canned tomatoes), ½C of pasta and/or a drained can of beans (borlotti, cannellini, etc.) and simmer until potato and pasta are tender. Experiment with ingredients.

Pumpkin: fry a chopped onion in oil till soft, add peeled, chopped pumpkin, cover with chicken or vegie stock and simmer until soft. Mash, season, stir in C milk or substitute. Or fry up some green curry paste with the onion and swap the milk for coconut milk or cream for a yummy Thai version.

Lentil and celery (sounds gross tastes good – no joke, plus it’s super-dooper cheap): fry some chopped onion and celery in a splash of oil then add stock powder, cubes or whatever you have and some dried red lentils and simmer hr. or so until lentils dissolve. Easy.

Freaky food facts:

Although ice cream isn’t made from pig fat anymore, some red food colour (cochineal) is made from insect shells. Mmmm – tasty.

Planes have been evacuated because of a stink thought to be a dead body. What was it? A durian fruit smuggled in luggage. Embarrassing much??

Q: The ultimate diet food? A: Celery – eating it burns more calories than it contains.

Meat

Look for what’s on special or cook cheap cuts for longer on low heat (it softens them). Try not to always go for fatty cuts like chicken wings and burger mince though, and try to trim fat if poss.

When’s it done? NOTE: Vegetarians look away…

Compare cooked steak with your thumb – it’s rare if it feels like a relaxed thumb pad; medium to well-done feels tighter, like you’re moving your thumb across your hand.
Stick a knife into roast meat to see the juices – for medium you want them pinkish, not dark red.
Check chicken by sticking a knife in at the thickest part of the leg – juices should run clear, not red or pink.
Fish should flake away from your knife when cooked.

Cheap meat meals:

Sausages with mash: simmer potatoes until tender, drain, slip skins off (or peel first, or even leave on for smashed potatoes), mash well with a potato masher or fork. Season, mix in butter and milk to taste. Grill or fry sausages on medium heat, turning regularly until browned.

Rissoles and gravy (use leftovers for sandwiches): Mix 500g (about a pound) of mince, 2T tomato or other sauce, an egg, C or so breadcrumbs (cut stale bread finely) and tsp or so of herbs and roll into flattish balls. Brown each side on high then turn down to medium until cooked.

Gravy: mix T flour and C stock, add tsp tomato paste, sauce, chilli sauce, mustard or whatever you like and stir into leftover pan juices on medium heat a few minutes until it boils and thickens. Or mix gravy powder with water

Beef stew: fry 600gms (a little over a pound) or so of chopped chuck steak (or what’s on special) with chopped onion and garlic for a few minutes. Add 2C vegies (like potato, sweet potato, carrot, celery and/or pumpkin) a sprinkle of herbs and just cover with stock. Simmer an hr or so, stirring occasionally. Season and add any quicker-cooking vegies (like broccoli, cauliflower, beans or zucchini) and simmer another 20-30 minutes. Serve with mash, bread or toast.

Meat soup: Same as veggie soup but first simmer a pack of oxtail, soup bones, bacon bones or whatever you have, covered in water and flavourings (like ginger, garlic, herbs, chilli, pepper etc.), for a couple of hrs (the longer you cook it, the softer). Add rice, red lentils or barley if you like, simmer half hour or so then add the vegies, extra stock or seasoning to taste. Cook until soft.

Honey-soy chicken wings or drumsticks: mix ½C honey, Tsp soy sauce and 2 Tsp water with a little crushed garlic, and marinate 6-8 wings or 4-6 drumsticks in fridge for ½ hr plus, then bbq or bake until cooked, turning halfway.

Roast chicken: halve a lemon and squeeze over chicken, then stuff it inside the chicken with some fresh or dried herbs, season all over and/or sprinkle with stock powder, then cook on 180˚C (350˚F) about 1½ hours, spooning juices over when you think of it, until cooked. Put half a cup of water in the base and/or drizzle with olive oil so it doesn’t get dry. Stuffing (optional): fry chopped bacon and onion, add chopped zucchini and cook until softened. Mix in breadcrumbs, herbs, a splash of oil and mustard or sweet chilli sauce then cool a bit and press inside the chicken and cook straight away. Experiment with other vegies, sauces/herbs and/or nuts.

Tuna mornay: Mix large can tuna, C grated cheese, 2C cooked pasta, 2C white sauce (recipe above). Add a can of creamed corn if you want. Season, top with more cheese and cook ½hr on 180˚C (350˚F) until hot.

HINT: Go old-school with a cookbook if you can grab one cheap or second-hand. Old-fashioned ones have basic recipes for lots of stuff – from pancakes to pies, cakes to casseroles. Sure, 50s-style brain fritters or stewed tripe (yeeek) mightn’t be a hit at your next do, but at least a splash from the pan won’t kill it like it could your iphone. And it’s got to bring back some memories of stuff you ate as a kid.

Lovely leftovers

Throw leftover vegies with some leftover meat, chicken, ham or whatever into stock to make soup.
Or mash them into homemade vegie burgers (mix C vegies with an egg plus leftover rice or some crumbled bread and shape into patties), and fry until browned and hot through; serve with sauce, salad and/or a bun.
Make fish cakes the same way, with canned or leftover fish.

Getting Along With Housemates

Sharing a house with other people can be a blast – whether you’re with mates or with people you’ve just met. Best case scenario, you’ll make friends for life, learn heaps and have a ball.

It’s often little things that turn into big problems and blow everything apart.

Maybe you keep your tomato sauce (or ketchup for the Yanks) in the cupboard, but your flatmate likes it in the fridge? Perhaps she hates the toilet seat up? One of you leaves the pegs on the line, the other prefers them put away?

Remember, keeping the peace is a good goal, so try to take the higher ground – in the big picture, does it really matter if your ketchup’s cold?

Great expectations

Ok, so it’s different strokes for different folks, but you need to make sure your strokes fit together…if you know what I mean.

Some stuff is pretty essential to get sorted early so you all know what to expect, like, for example:

What stuff do you all need to do?

Be fair and do your share, for example. Don’t expect your flatmates to pick up after you, or you should expect trouble – your flatmates aren’t your slaves. Change the toilet roll. Pick up your own dirty clothes. Use the toilet brush and wipe the seat if you need to. Remember, if you don’t do it, no one else will – Mum’s not going to do it, is she? Just like you probably don’t want to pick up your friend’s undies, or clean up their toilet bowl leftovers (eeeww!), they probably don’t want to sort out yours either. Check out how to get your basic cleaning done without too much effort, plus how to sort out who does what, in simple steps to clean your house.

What will you buy together?

Will you share food? What about other stuff like laundry supplies? Or do you prefer to get your own stuff and have separate shelves in the fridge and cupboards, say? Maybe you prefer to buy your own toiletries but get things like soap, toothpaste and washing up liquid in a joint shop? It’s up to all house members to work out and agree on what suits your household best.

Whatever you do, DON’T use your flatmates’ stuff without asking.

But what’s the harm in a little shampoo here and there, you say? Well it quickly adds up; ditto for the non-smoker that’s always grabbing a ciggie; or the person who expects everyone else to grab milk but always uses the last of it up.

Bottom line? Get your own stuff, or put in money with your housemate to share theirs.

What should house-guests pay?

If a lover or friend stays over regularly they should chip something in. It’s a real pain if the boyfriend constantly uses the last of the toilet paper, for example, and never buys any. If partners can’t afford to pay some of the rent, they should at least buy some food and/or pay some bills. Talk about it as a household and work something out so you’re all happy, or stay at their house instead.

What’s the deal with partying?

Is it ok? Can you just rock up with your guests or do you need to give notice? How many people is ok? What times are ok? Someone with early starts isn’t going to be stoked about parties all week, are they? The main thing is to have a basic idea of what everyone needs to be happy.

Anything else?

Get things out in the open early on if they are important to you. Even things like using the bathroom for long periods can turn into a problem, so if you need it for a quick shower at 7.30am each day to get to work on time, let people know so they don’t regularly settle in for the long haul at 7.15am, say (last night’s curry permitting, of course).

Compromise, compromise, compromise.

The thing is, no one’s perfect (yep, not even you!), and moving out for the first time is a huge change. We’re all different, and even if you know your housemates well, they’ll still surprise you (even freak you out) with some of the things they do (pimple squeezing on the mirror, anyone?). If it’s not hurting or seriously worrying you, try to see their perspective and/or work something out with them (ask them to shut the door and clean the mirror – sorted).

Dealing with conflict

Have a plan to handle trouble before it happens – like a regular meeting over dinner or a coffee where you get to bring up problems. Or, if you’re a scaredy-cat and hate confrontation, get a chalkboard you can all write things that bother you on (just don’t make it too petty, or you’ll piss people off and nobody will listen when you have a real problem).

Control yourself:

People fight, that’s normal, but only you control your actions – own them. Even if someone’s provoking you, you’re in the wrong if you lash out and hit a wall (plus it’s expensive to fix), and someone can die or be permanently disabled from one unlucky punch (jail time, anyone?). Take a breath and walk away. Solve it with a cool head.

Don’t rush to blame your housemates for stuff.

Your memory isn’t fool-proof, and neither is theirs. So, your wallet’s on the table then it’s gone? It might not be your housemate, thieves pop in and out of houses in a flash. Police once rocked up with my wallet (found in a drug raid) and I didn’t even know it was missing yet. It’s hard to get along once you’ve accused someone of stealing or something else bad.

Struggling to find common ground with your housemates?

If it’s getting out of hand, try mediation, for example, from your local community justice centre (you can find some links to mediation and free or cheap legal advice at useful websites: renting). Mediation or counselling is often free, and is always worth a try before more serious measures such as taking someone to court (which usually costs a bomb, often even if you win).

Smoking Stuff & Party Drugs

Illegal highs

Do you smoke pot, or use party drugs or steroids? If you do, or plan to at some point, this information can help you make better decisions under those circumstances – which, let’s be clear, are often that you and/or your friends are doing something dangerous and life-threatening. But at least you’ll know what could go wrong, plus how and where to get help if you need it.

Whatever happens, don’t drive if you’ve taken drugs or alcohol, plus don’t get into a car with someone who has, or with someone you don’t know.

Smoking stuff

Yep, it’s one of the worst things you can do for your body.

Living in a bubble? Maybe you don’t know the disgusting and frightening effects of tobacco, like cancer, heart disease, strokes and gangrene.

smoking, #leavingthenest, cigarettes, pot, marijuana — The scary pics aren’t enough to deter plenty of smokers

And, despite the rumours, smoking pot (cannabis, marijuana, Ganga, Mary Jane, weed) probably has even more tar and chemicals – especially if it’s hydroponically grown – plus increases the risk of triggering mental illness or drug-induced psychosis. Sure, everyone knows a smoker or two that are really old and ok, but it’s the exception by far (and I challenge you to find a long-term pot smoker that’s in great shape physically OR mentally).

But, ok, lots of us still smoke for a while (wish I never did, but I did, and after a few drinks I still grab the odd one…), and if you haven’t given up yet, here’re some tips:

Stop your house stinking by using a jar with a tight-fitting lid as an ashtray (screw on the lid before binning it).
If you use a smoking implement, i.e. a bong, be aware that it’s a myth that’s it’s safer than joints, in fact, it’s probably more harmful because of the high dose of smoke. If you still plan to use one, however, glass is fragile but at least you can see into it. Clean it with vinegar, bicarb and an old toothbrush or dishwashing brush – another urban myth is that adding milk will help to keep it clean…that’s what it is, a myth.
Smoking is seriously expensive – work out the treats you could afford if you quit (holidays!)! It’s cheaper to roll your own ciggies than buy tailor-made and you might get cheaper tobacco from some health food stores (ask if they sell organic…yay…organic cancer in a stick).

Want to quit smoking?

Good on you! Don’t give up. See your GP or try online for help with quitting – some sites even calculate how much money you save (heaps!!) plus you can share stories or read others’ experiences.

See useful websites: drugs for links.

Smoke and mirrors: Rumours abound about things to smoke, from dried parsley, banana leaves or nutmeg to tea leaves…whatever it is, don’t bother – it will just taste disgusting and give you a sore throat. Not sure how I know that. Ahem.

Having a party?

Keep it sensible – especially if you’re renting. Remember, you’ll have to pay for any damage other people do (thousands of dollars for new carpet anyone?).

DON’T put the details on facebook or anywhere else they can go viral!

Tell your neighbours what you’re planning so they don’t freak out, and even let the police know if it’s likely to be a big shindig.

The lucky (or not so lucky) dip

So tobacco companies are unethical, right? Imagine the unregulated drug trade. You have no idea what is in black market drugs. Do you think drug dealers give a stuff about what you put in your body?

As exciting and cool as using may seem in movies, books or songs, it’s worth remembering that past artists weren’t getting their gear cut with the other stuff people use nowadays.

Was Jack Kerouac doing dextrose, caffeine, procaine, lidocaine or even strychnine mixed with his drugs On the Road? Nope. Were The Beatles smoking pot cranked out in six weeks on chemicals and growth hormones, then bulked up with hairspray or lead (like the pot that hospitalised teens in The Netherlands)?

If you’re going to do drugs, you should know you’re not getting a reliable product – you’re gambling with unknown ingredients and amounts, and any added complications that go hand in hand.

Warning! Be careful with anything you put in your body, even pharmaceuticals – always take the right amount the right way.

Even paracetamol (acetaminophen) can cause irreversible liver damage if you overdose, for example, and ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin) should be taken with food (or at least a big glass of milk) or it can burn your stomach lining.

Call for help!

You won’t get in trouble calling the paramedics. And if someone is really sick or in danger after taking drugs or alcohol, getting them to hospital quickly could save their life.

Call your emergency line (like 911 or 000) immediately and ask for an ambulance.

NOTE: Police are only called to an overdose if there is any danger to the ambulance officers or if the person dies, so get help before there IS a death to worry about.

Party drugs – the dos and don’ts…

If you’re doing it, at least minimise the risks…

Avoid mixing multiple drugs and/or alcohol, or, if you do, be aware that using more drugs increases your risk factors for danger.
Stay with a friend (ideally who isn’t using drugs). As well as risks from the drugs and alcohol themselves (like an overdose or long-term health issues), there are other risks users need to think about – a car accident or rape, for example or getting caught. Staying together and not getting in a car can at least lower some of these risks.
Don’t rely on onsite pill testing at events – it’s not always reliable. If you’re dancing, don’t forget to hydrate and take regular breaks.
Injecting is likely to be higher risk than smoking, eating and snorting. If you do inject, don’t ever share injecting equipment, even with someone you trust (they mightn’t know they’re infected). Also make sure you use new needles and equipment each time and always try a small amount first, especially if it’s hard to estimate dosage (e.g.GHB).

Designer drug alert: The problem with “emerging psychoactive substances (EPs)” like synthetic cannabinoids, “bath salts”, MDPV, mephedrone and others, is that no-one has the faintest idea of effects, which can vary enormously due to a heap of unknowns.

“Bath salts”, for example, hit the headlines in the USA when a reputed user ate off part of a man’s face then was shot dead by police.

While there’re no actual bath salts involved (safe to let your flatmate keep their bath bubbles then), it’s just one example of how drug use is a pretty big gamble (especially if your friends are hungry…).

The danger zone

It’s tricky to work out what the exact effect of any illegal drug will be on each person – it depends on how much you have; how long and often you use it; if you’ve taken more than one drug together; plus how you personally react to that drug.

You know how a cup of coffee wires your mate but does nothing to you? That’s one example of how drugs affect people differently. Plus, you don’t even really know what you’re taking with party drugs, since they’re mixed with unknowns.

Some proven effects are things like a higher chance of triggering mental illness or permanent brain changes. Something to think about before you scarf down another pill next time, hey?

If you’re never going to take illegal drugs, you could probably skip this info about party drugs and effects. But, it’s an enlightening read, and, frankly, a bit of a buzz-kill.

Warning! Pharmaceuticals like Viagra (sildenafil), Levitra (vardenafil) and Cialis (tadalafil) are sometimes bought off the black market, mainly to help with erection problems caused by drugs like cocaine, ecstasy, heroin etc.

NEVER mix them with inhalants (like amyl nitrate) – it can be fatal.

Help with drug and alcohol problems

If it’s an emergency, always call for help (e.g. 911 or 000) immediately and ask for an ambulance.

Depending on where you live, there’re a lot of places to get information, counselling or help for yourself or a friend.

See useful websites: drugs for links to confidential drug info, counselling and other support services in your local area.

Anabolic steroids

Anabolic steroids come from testosterone, and are available as injectables or tablets – both can cause side effects like breast growth on men or facial hair on women, as well as other problems like liver damage. Plus, are you even getting what you’ve paid for? Like any black market drug, dealers will maximise profits – how will you know if you’re getting contaminated or even animal drugs?

If you’re going to take them, use low doses (high doses only increase side-effects, not results), use new needles, don’t take diuretics (it increases the risk of heart problems), talk to your doctor (it’s confidential) and check exactly which drug you’re taking.

For more information on drugs in sports, check out the website of the government anti-doping authority in your area (see links at useful websites: drugs).

Is mental illness linked with drug use?

It’s a chicken or egg kind of argument – does the drug use cause the illness or the illness lead to self-medication?

Illicit drug users are more likely to experience mental health issues than non-users; in particular if you use ice, speed or cocaine.

Using marijuana and ice are both linked to schizophrenia and depression, with an even stronger link between depression and using ecstasy, heroin or speed.

Mental disorders are caused by a mix of factors including genetics and environment, though, and it’s hard to work out whether drug use alone causes it. Drugs can definitely trigger it though.

Party Drugs: Facts & Effects

Buzz-kill info

Yep, if you’re doing party drugs, at least be informed about the effects (or the best guess on effects, anyway).

Stimulants: speed up messages between brain and body plus give energy – often very addictive, may be fatal.

Ice (crystal meth, shabu, glass): sooo many scary long-term effects — psychosis, uncontrolled violence, heart and kidney failure and stroke are some of the worst. Web-search “ice mug shots”.
Speed (goey, whiz, fast): like ice but less potent. It keeps you awake, but have you ever seen an angry speed freak picking off chunks of their own skin? Better to grab a coffee.
Cocaine (coke, snow, Charlie, blow, nose candy), also freebase and crack: you’re alert and feeling fine, unless you’re paranoid, have hyperthermia, brain haemorrhage, stroke, seizures, sexual probs and/or heart and kidney failure.
Ecstasy (MDMA, disco biscuits, XTC, love drug): ok, so you love everyone, but you probably won’t love possible brain damage or being slower, fatter and depressed.
Emerging Psychoactive Substances (EPs), like synthetic cannabinoids, “bath salts”, MDPV, Mephedrone (meow meow, meph, drone, MCAT), BPZ (benzylpiperazine, A2, frenzy, nemesis): no idea long-term, plus potency, purity, composition and effects vary enormously — you could be alert and happy or quite possibly dead, especially if you mix it with other drugs and/or alcohol.

Depressants: slow down central nervous system and messages going between brain and body – often very addictive, an overdose can kill you (except cannabis, but it can make you nuts).

GHB (gammahydroxybuyrate, liquid Ecstasy, Liquid X, fantasy): high risk of overdose, incontinence, diarrhoea (eew), blackouts, seizures, stopping breathing.
Heroin (smack, H, junk, hammer): makes you happy, relaxed, sleepy and damaged — to heart, lungs, liver and brain among other things.
Benzos (benzodiazepines, downers, valium, temazepam, tranks): relaxed, happy, plus depressed, paranoid, fatter, more unco’ and possibly in a coma.
Alcohol (see info here)
Cannabis (see info here)

Hallucinogens: heighten sensory perception LSD (acid, trips): a bad trip leading to risky behaviour or (rarely) suicide; nasty flashbacks up to years later.

Psilocybin (magic mushrooms, mushies, gold-tops): same as for LSD.
Emerging Psychoactive Substances (EPs): not much is known about short or long-term effects of new synthetic hallucinogens such as N-BOM, since potency, purity and composition vary enormously. It’s a huge gamble — see the stimulants box for more on this.
Ketamine (K, horse tranquiliser, special K): same as for PCP (below).
PCP (angel dust): not-so-angelic possibilities are sedation, dissociation, coma, convulsions and death.

Inhalants: increase sensation/well-being – linked to brain damage, paralysis, heart or breathing problems or SSD (sudden sniffing death).

Nitrous oxide (laughing gas, bulbs): makes you light-headed, dizzy, giggly and blocks pain but dangerous if replaces oxygen in the lungs.
Amyl nitrite (poppers): used to increase/ prolong orgasm; can cause nose and mouth sores, chest pains, heart trouble and possible death, especially if combined with Viagra, Levitra or Cialis.
Butyl nitrite (bolt, rush): similar to amyl nitrite.
Volatile solvents (paint, glue, petrol): cheap, easy to find and linked to collapse, sudden death and neurological (including brain) damage.

Grow Your Own

Food, that is!

Why, what were you thinking???

Anyway, you don’t have to be a green thumb to grow some of your food. Even if you only have a windowsill or balcony, you can chuck a few herbs or vegies in a pot (or just mint for cocktails ;-).

You can even grow some vegies indoors!

How? Get a mushroom kit from nurseries or some hardware stores, keep it damp and voila – cut as needed once they grow up.

You can also grab some alfalfa, mung bean etc. seeds, whack them in a jar then cover with a clean piece of stocking (yep, ladies, finally there’s something to do with laddered stockings), and fasten with a rubber band.

Simply rinse in lukewarm water and then drain them each day (basically make sure they don’t dry out) and leave in a sunny-ish spot; they’ll fill the jar soon enough. Then put them in the fridge and eat within a few days.

What do I need to grow stuff?

If you want a garden but don’t have one, here’s how.

Get pots from your parents or someone else with old ones stashed in the garden. Or try the local dump/recycling depot.
Fill with dirt or potting mix.
Plant something: seeds are by far the cheapest, but seedlings grow fastest.

Planting in pots?

For pots, tomatoes and chillis are good; strawberries also work well but you won’t get heaps, it’s more of a decorative snack than a meal, you could say.

Herbs (e.g. parsley, chives, thyme, sage, basil, rosemary, oregano) or salad greens like spinach, silver beet, lettuce and rocket don’t need much room and you can cut them whenever you need them. You can also pick off any sneaky snails easily.

A large pot of mixed herbs or lettuce looks pretty on a balcony or outdoor table – waaaay more classy than a jar of ciggie butts.

Or if you have plenty of space…

Lucky you! If you’ve got more room you could try aubergines (eggplants), capsicums (peppers), climbers (snow peas or beans), or vines (zucchinis or cucumbers) in pots or a garden, as long as the vines have space to spread and climbers have something to go up, like a trellis.

Food-sharing and community gardens: If you’re interested in getting in on the food-sharing or community garden trend, there’s likely to be something up and running in your area – web search community gardens.

Sign up on the home page and/or like LtN on social media, to see the upcoming article including links to community gardening groups in your local area.

Going away and want your plants to survive? Put a shoelace into a bucket of water and poke it in the plant, it draws up water as needed. Cool, huh?

Water-saving tips:

Mulch plants with leaves, newspaper, straw, sugarcane or even pebbles or bark.
Water deeply but less often, depending on climate and plant-type.

Natural pest control

There’s nothing more annoying than nasty little bugs gobbling up the hard earned fruits of your labour (literally). Plant strong-smelling things (like marigolds or garlic, for example) next to vegies to deter pests. This is a type of companion planting, where you plant stuff next to other complimentary plants.

You can also make a nifty spray from soap, bicarb soda, garlic and/or chilli mixed with warm water (look up “natural pest spray for plants” for recipes).

Fertilise for free:

Make your own compost from food-scraps (it won’t smell bad if it’s ready to use), or get a worm farm to put them in.
Got a small flat? A bokashi bucket sits on your bench or under the sink (and doesn’t smell), but you’ll need to buy the bucket and the bokashi mix (search online for where to get it near you).

Grown something? Try these recipes:

Pesto: Garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper, a few handfuls of herbs (basil or a mix of things), plus nuts and grated parmesan (or tasty) if you like. Pound or blend garlic and herbs, then add in nuts and go again. Season and stir in olive oil and cheese.

Roasted tomatoes: Drizzle cherry tomatoes or large tomatoes (cut side up), with oil, season and roast on about 140˚C (280˚F) for an hour or so.

Mushroom lasagne: Fry up something oniony (chopped onions, leeks or shallots) on medium heat until softened, add heaps of chopped mushrooms and some herbs and turn up high. Stir-fry a few minutes then take off heat, season and stir through sour cream and/or ricotta. Put half into an oven dish, layer with lasagne sheets (fresh or dry, cover well if dry), then tomato pasta sauce. Repeat, finishing with grated cheese(s). Bake 40 minutes at 200˚C (400˚F) until golden.

Roast or bbq-ed vegie dish: Cut up a bunch of vegies into large-ish pieces (like pumpkin, potato, sweet potato, onion, red capsicum, zucchini, leek, etc), drizzle with olive oil and roast on 200˚C (400˚F) for about an hr, turning once or twice. Or slice and chargrill on a bbq. Season and scatter with herbs and a drizzle of olive oil, or top with balsamic vinegar, then stir through plain yoghurt (1:2, vinegar: yoghurt).